:18:00
What was I longing
for so desperately?
:18:05
This extraordinary mother!
:18:09
You should have seen her
when I told her Lena was here.
:18:13
She actually managed
to produce a smile
:18:17
despite her surprise and alarm.
:18:20
And as we stood outside Lena's door:
an actress before her entrance,
:18:25
scared but in control.
The performance was superb.
:18:31
Why on earth did she come here?
:18:34
What did she expect of a meeting
after 7 years? What did she expect?
:18:38
-I wonder.
-And what did I expect?
Does one never stop hoping?
:18:44
-I don't think so.
-Always mother and daughter!
:18:48
No use starting to cry.
Damn it!
:18:53
There she sat, gazing
at me with her big eyes.
:18:59
I held her face
and felt the disease
:19:03
twitching at her
throat muscles.
:19:07
Damn it!
:19:10
To think I can't
carry her to my bed
:19:13
and comfort her as I did
when she was three.
:19:23
That soft, torn body
:19:28
that's my Lena!
:19:35
Don't cry, for Christ's sake.
:19:37
A writer whose name
I've forgotten said,
:19:40
" It's like a ghost
falling on top of you
:19:43
"when you open the door
to the nursery
:19:46
"having long since forgotten
it is the nursery."
:19:51
-Do you think I'm grown up?
-I guess being grown up is being able
:19:55
to handle your dreams and hopes. Not longing.
-Do you think so?