:01:13
l believe in
the Church of Baseball.
:01:15
l've tried all the major religions
and most of the minor ones.
:01:19
l've worshipped Buddha,
Allah, Brahma, Vishnu...
:01:22
Siva, trees, mushrooms
and lsadora Duncan.
:01:26
l know things.
:01:27
For instance, there are 108 beads
in a Catholic rosary...
:01:31
and there are 108 stitches
in a baseball.
:01:34
When l learned that,
l gaveJesus a chance.
:01:37
But it just didn't work out
between us.
:01:39
The Lord laid
too much guilt on me.
:01:42
l prefer metaphysics
to theology.
:01:45
You see, there's no guilt
in baseball...
:01:47
and it's never boring...
:01:49
which makes it like sex.
:01:52
There's never been a ballplayer
who slept with me...
:01:54
who didn't have
the best year of his career.
:01:57
Making love
is like hitting a baseball--
:02:00
you just gotta relax
and concentrate.
:02:03
Besides, l'd never sleep
with a player hitting under 250...
:02:06
unless he had a lot of RBl's or was
a great glove man up the middle.
:02:13
You see, there's a certain amount
of life wisdom l give these boys.
:02:16
l can expand their minds.
:02:18
Sometimes when l've got
a ballplayer alone...
:02:20
l'll just read Emily Dickinson
or Walt Whitman to him.
:02:24
And the guys are so sweet,
they always stay and listen.
:02:27
Of course, a guy will listen
to anything if he thinks it's foreplay.
:02:32
l make them feel confident,
and they make me feel safe...
:02:36
and pretty.
:02:38
Of course, what l give them
lasts a lifetime.
:02:41
What they give me
lasts 142 games.
:02:44
Sometimes it seems
like a bad trade...
:02:47
but bad trades
is a part of baseball.
:02:49
Who can forget Frank Robinson
for Milt Pappas, for God's sake?
:02:53
lt's a long season,
and you gotta trust it.
:02:56
l've tried 'em all,
l really have.
:02:58
And the only church
that truly feeds the soul--