:40:01
...just like a white trash road race.
:40:07
I took my family camping
because I'm an idiot.
:40:11
We're gonna go camping. We live in L.A.
We don't have any camping gear.
:40:15
So I go to this store,
and I'm buying camping gear...
:40:17
...and I saw this product.
And when I saw it, I just started laughing.
:40:20
Because we've become
so ecologically-minded now...
:40:23
...they've developed a product called
"Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper."
:40:30
Just how rapidly are we talking?
:40:34
Because I don't want to have to play
Beat the Clock in the thicket, all right?
:40:41
If it's dark,
I can't see what's going on.
:40:43
I got to know that toilet paper
is gonna be there to finish the job.
:40:51
But the reason you
go on these RV trips...
:40:54
...and these camping trips
is because as your kids grow up...
:40:57
...they also grow apart from you,
and it tears your heart out.
:41:00
My little girl is 1 6. She's at that age where
she's in her room listening to her stereo...
:41:04
...online with her friends,
and boys are starting to call.
:41:07
Oh, my God. We had a kid call the house
at 2 in the morning.
:41:13
I lost it.
:41:15
First off, I'm sound asleep
in la-la land...
:41:17
...with Shania Twain
in the mountains somewhere.
:41:22
I hear a phone ring and I'm like,
"Who's got a phone in the mountains?!"
:41:26
So when I realized it's my phone,
I'm already ticked off. I went, "Hello!"
:41:30
And this little voice goes,
"ls Emily there? "
:41:33
And I go, "Dude...
:41:35
...if you have a brain in your skull,
you will hang this phone up right now."
:41:40
And my wife goes,
"Bill, you gotta be nice."
:41:43
I said, "No, ma'am,
nice stops at midnight."
:41:48
She said, "What will you do
when these little boys come over? "
:41:51
"I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna
pull the young man in tight next to me...
:41:55
...so only he and I can hear
the conversation.
:41:58
I'm gonna whisper in his ear.
I'm gonna say, 'Boy, look at me.