Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
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:53:01
[ Music fades ]
:53:03
BARRIS: I liked Penny.
:53:04
I even loved her, in my way.
:53:07
But the idea
of tying myself down...

:53:10
for the rest of my life...
:53:13
I remember
my parents' marriage.

:53:16
We need a new icebox.
:53:18
[ Radio playing faintly ]
:53:24
[ "The Newlywed Game"
theme plays ]

:53:34
[ Applause ]
:53:41
AUDIENCE: Ooh...
:53:45
BARRIS: "The Newlywed Game"...
:53:47
was based on my theory
that almost any American...

:53:49
would sell out their spouse
for a washer, dryer,

:53:52
or a lawn mower
you can ride on.

:53:55
Such was my respect
for that most holy of unions.

:54:00
- "Interpet."
- Interpret.

:54:03
Oh. Do you have
an extra "R" I can borrow?

:54:06
I'm not going
to give you a letter.

:54:08
You're lucky I don't make you
forfeit a turn.

:54:10
Oh, OK.
:54:12
You look cute today, Pen.
:54:14
I always look cute.
Don't distract me.

:54:17
[ Blows ]
:54:20
What was I going to say?
:54:22
I don't know.
What were you going to say?

:54:24
[ Music playing faintly ]
:54:29
I think
we should get married...

:54:32
because we've known
each other forever...

:54:34
and we've fucked
each other forever.

:54:37
And you think I'm cute,
you just said.

:54:41
And you always come to me
when you're in trouble...

:54:43
and I'm nothing
like your mother--

:54:46
What does that mean?
What is that?

:54:50
I'm just kidding.
:54:53
Don't ask me
to marry you again, OK?

:54:55
I don't use a knife
:54:58
Don't need a gun

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