:44:04
Sex changes when you stay married
for a long time.
:44:06
I think it has to because
things advance, you know?
:44:10
One night, my wife and I had
a little interlude, and it was hot.
:44:13
I mean hot, hot, hot!
:44:15
She's arching her back and moaning,
and I said, "Yes, ma'am.
:44:20
You are welcome."
:44:23
I said, "I'm really turning you on, huh? "
She goes, "No, you're on my hair! Get off!"
:44:31
You never see that in the movies.
Do you, ladies?
:44:35
I hate love scenes in movies. They're
not real. Show me a real love scene.
:44:39
Show me a couple in bed, and their dogs
are watching them at the edge of the bed.
:44:45
That's real, my friends.
:44:48
You're trying to throw down
your best moves...
:44:51
...and there's these eyes
at the edge of the bed, just like:
:44:56
"Nice move there, Bill.
:44:59
Jeez, don't that hurt your back? "
:45:03
I take my wife's bra off
and throw it across the room.
:45:07
Dogs bring it back.
:45:09
I can always tell when I'm doing good
because the dog growls.
:45:14
"She's loving this."
:45:18
You ever get that cold nose?
:45:25
But you gotta be able to laugh.
That's what's important.
:45:28
Three years ago on my wife's birthday,
I had it planned to the tee:
:45:32
A bottle of champagne
chilled by the bed...
:45:34
...candles on the headboard, some soft
music playing, and we just got into it.
:45:38
Just that hot pig sex, all right?
:45:41
You're not even talking.
You're just rooting around, baby.
:45:45
But we forgot about the candles
on the headboard.
:45:48
I'm lying on my back. Apparently,
that headboard was doing a little moving.
:45:53
Because all of a sudden,
hot wax just goes:
:45:58
And my wife goes, "Yes, sir.