:02:02
I think my biggest problem
is being young and beautiful.
:02:09
It's my biggest problem
because I've never been
:02:12
young and beautiful.
:02:13
Oh, I've been beautiful,
I've been young,
:02:16
but never the twain
have met.
:02:19
Not so as anyone
would notice.
:02:21
A shrink acquaintance of mine
believes this to be
:02:25
The root of my attraction
to a class of men
:02:29
subtly described
as old and ugly.
:02:31
He's underestimating
my wheedles.
:02:33
See, a ugly person
who goes after a pretty person
:02:37
Gets nothing but trouble,
:02:39
But a pretty person
who goes after a ugly person
:02:43
gets at least cab fare.
:02:45
I ain't sayin' I never
fell for a pretty face.
:02:49
But when LES JEUX
SONT FAITS,
:02:51
Give me a toad
with a pot of gold,
:02:55
I'll give you
three meals a day.
:02:57
Ain't no toad
when the lights go down.
:03:00
It's daylight
you got to watch out for.
:03:03
A thing of beauty
is a joy till sunrise.
:03:08
There's another group
:03:09
you got to watch
your food stamps around.
:03:13
THE HOPELESS.
:03:14
They break down
into three major categories--
:03:17
MARRIED,
:03:19
JUST IN FOR THE WEEKEND,
:03:23
TERMINALLY STRAIGHT.
:03:26
Those affairs are the worst!
:03:28
You go into them
with your eyes open,
:03:31
knowing all the limitations,
accepting them maturely.
:03:34
THEN WHAM, BAM!
:03:36
You're writing letters
to DEAR ABBY
:03:38
And burning black candles
at midnight.
:03:41
And you ask yourself,
"what happened?"
:03:43
I'll tell you.
You got what you wanted.
:03:46
The person who thinks
they're mature enough
:03:49
to handle an affair that's
hopeless from the beginning
:03:53
Is the same person that keeps
gothic romance publishers
:03:56
up to their tragic endings
in mink.
:03:59
What do you think?
Gorgeous, HUH?