:30:03
I'll tell you why. My wife and I had an
argument last week that was so stupid...
:30:08
...that it bears repeating.
:30:12
My wife collects twist-ties.
:30:18
Welcome to my world.
:30:21
What happened was,
I went to make a sandwich.
:30:23
I took the bread, took the twist-tie off,
threw it down, made my sandwich.
:30:27
Did I put the twist-tie back on the bread?
:30:30
No. I did what every man
in America does.
:30:32
I spun the loaf of bread
and tucked it underneath.
:30:39
But apparently,
that's where I went wrong.
:30:44
I got a great family.
:30:45
I got a 1 6-year-old daughter
who just got her driver's license.
:30:48
So drop to your knees and thank
the good Lord above that you live here...
:30:52
...and not where we live.
:30:55
She is without a doubt
the worst driver on the planet.
:30:59
She's got no depth perception at all.
:31:01
We came up to this intersection.
There's a car stopped.
:31:04
I'm like, "He stopped. He stopped!
He stopped!"
:31:06
She goes, "l can see that."
I'm like, "Oh, my God, she's her mother!"
:31:14
The other day, my neighbor asked, "When
did you put the CD boom box in your car? "
:31:19
I said, "What? "
:31:20
He goes, "l saw you and your daughter
driving down the street, and I heard this--"
:31:25
I said, "That was me stomping on the
imaginary brake on my side of the car."
:31:33
I'm convinced there needs to be
a teenage driving lane on the highway.
:31:38
And it's just lined
with mattresses and tires.
:31:47
God, she's growing up,
and I don't know when it happened, man.
:31:50
I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties
and little Winnie the Pooh underwear.
:31:54
I was helping my wife fold clothes.
I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear.
:31:57
I looked at my wife and said: