1:19:01
I'd have fucked her on the quesadilla,
I don't give a fuck.
1:19:11
Nah, man. But one thing I learned, man,
1:19:14
once you get married, fellas, women wanna be
responsible for all your happiness.
1:19:18
All your happiness. You got that?
1:19:21
Not some of it. All of it.
1:19:23
Fellas, you ever have your woman
catch you jerking off?
1:19:27
Ever have your woman
catch you jerking off?
1:19:30
Did she get mad at you, even though
she wasn't thinking about fucking you?
1:19:36
Here's the real deal,
she ain't mad you was jerking off.
1:19:39
She's mad you was making yourself happy.
1:19:45
"How dare you make yourself fucking happy?
1:19:48
"I'm in charge of happiness in this house.
You'll be miserable till I fucking say so.
1:19:54
"Take your hands out yo pockets!"
1:20:00
Another thing with women,
one thing about women,
1:20:03
women hate for you to expect anything.
1:20:05
Don't expect shit.
1:20:09
A woman can cook for you every day
for five years.
1:20:13
Every day food is on the table,
1:20:15
every day at 7:49, every day.
1:20:19
The day you come home,
there ain't no food,
1:20:22
and you ask nicely, "Honey, where's the food?"
1:20:24
"What am I, your fuckin' maid?
1:20:27
"You need to learn how to cook for yourself,
you stupid motherfucker."
1:20:31
So, fellas, in order to avoid this,
1:20:33
what you gotta do is act super-nice
every time she does anything.
1:20:39
No matter how little it is,
make a big deal out of it.
1:20:42
If she pour you some water,
you gotta go, "Wow, water!
1:20:47
"Get outta here. You're incredible!
You're so smart!"
1:20:51
She fucking folds a napkin.
"Wow, look at that! You're incredible."
1:20:56
You gotta treat 'em like retarded kids, OK?