1:20:00
Another thing with women,
one thing about women,
1:20:03
women hate for you to expect anything.
1:20:05
Don't expect shit.
1:20:09
A woman can cook for you every day
for five years.
1:20:13
Every day food is on the table,
1:20:15
every day at 7:49, every day.
1:20:19
The day you come home,
there ain't no food,
1:20:22
and you ask nicely, "Honey, where's the food?"
1:20:24
"What am I, your fuckin' maid?
1:20:27
"You need to learn how to cook for yourself,
you stupid motherfucker."
1:20:31
So, fellas, in order to avoid this,
1:20:33
what you gotta do is act super-nice
every time she does anything.
1:20:39
No matter how little it is,
make a big deal out of it.
1:20:42
If she pour you some water,
you gotta go, "Wow, water!
1:20:47
"Get outta here. You're incredible!
You're so smart!"
1:20:51
She fucking folds a napkin.
"Wow, look at that! You're incredible."
1:20:56
You gotta treat 'em like retarded kids, OK?
1:21:06
Man. That's right.
1:21:08
Married and bored, single and lonely.
1:21:12
That's right, guys. Here's the thing - when
you're married, you wanna kill your spouse.
1:21:17
When you're single, you wanna kill yourself.
1:21:21
Better her than me.
1:21:25
Anybody in this room that's ever been in love
will testify to this shit.
1:21:30
If you haven't contemplated murder,
you ain't been in love.
1:21:36
If you haven't seriously thought about
killing the motherfucker,
1:21:39
you ain't been in love.
1:21:41
If you haven't had a can of rat poison
in your hand
1:21:44
and looked at it for 45 minutes straight,
you ain't been in love.
1:21:49
If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag
1:21:52
and a rug to roll they ass up in,
you ain't been in love.
1:21:56
If you haven't practised your alibi
in front of the mirror...